Hmmm - how did arse get through the censorship!!!!metz wrote:13 / 14 too..there was a tricky arse somewhere.
You are damm right tho - and no matter how many time I looked at the one I got wrong it still looked like an arse and not an elbow
JOKE (s) So I don't get struck off 4 spamming the clubhouse
-
bstardchild
- Moderator
- Posts: 3057
- Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2004 9:53 pm
- Location: Norfolk - "Its just Black & Dirty"
-
Tahrey1043
- Bling Bling Diamond Member
- Posts: 5184
- Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2003 1:15 am
- Location: Birmingham! Enjoys: The pseudo-G-Smiles provided by a 1.6 Megane Sport valver...
- Contact:
-
bstardchild
- Moderator
- Posts: 3057
- Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2004 9:53 pm
- Location: Norfolk - "Its just Black & Dirty"
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....
"Only when he's been drinking."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....
"Only when he's been drinking."
-
bstardchild
- Moderator
- Posts: 3057
- Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2004 9:53 pm
- Location: Norfolk - "Its just Black & Dirty"
At the Girlfriends
So this guy goes to his new girlfriend's house, her parents are upstairs asleep. The couple share 3 bottles of wine, things are going well but the guy needs to go to the toilet.
'You can't!' says the girlfriend, 'You'll wake up my parents.'
'But I'm desperate.' He pleads.
So she tells him to use the kitchen sink. He goes off and 15 minutes later has not returned and his girlfriend is getting anxious.
'You OK?' she asks at the kitchen door.
'Yes,' he replies. 'but do you have any paper?'
So this guy goes to his new girlfriend's house, her parents are upstairs asleep. The couple share 3 bottles of wine, things are going well but the guy needs to go to the toilet.
'You can't!' says the girlfriend, 'You'll wake up my parents.'
'But I'm desperate.' He pleads.
So she tells him to use the kitchen sink. He goes off and 15 minutes later has not returned and his girlfriend is getting anxious.
'You OK?' she asks at the kitchen door.
'Yes,' he replies. 'but do you have any paper?'
-
bstardchild
- Moderator
- Posts: 3057
- Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2004 9:53 pm
- Location: Norfolk - "Its just Black & Dirty"
Stars in their eyes
Mathew Kelly is presenting another show of stars in their eyes - spotlights on him lots of music etc.
MK Our first contestant tonight, from Sheffield, is Simon Althrop.
Lights go stage right, even louder music, and on comes the contestant pushing a wheelchair, the occupant's lower half covered by a blanket, and makes his way to Mathew.
MK Welcome Simon, you're from Sheffield what work do you do up there?
SA I work in the steel industry, have done for 20 years.
MK Who is this with you?
SA My uncle, he used to work in the same factory but one day an overhead gantry failed, a sheet of steel dropped and severed both his legs at the top of his thighs.
MK Oh, how dreadful. So tell us who are you going to be tonight.
SA Tonight Mathew we are going to be
.
.
.
.
..
Simon and half uncle
Mathew Kelly is presenting another show of stars in their eyes - spotlights on him lots of music etc.
MK Our first contestant tonight, from Sheffield, is Simon Althrop.
Lights go stage right, even louder music, and on comes the contestant pushing a wheelchair, the occupant's lower half covered by a blanket, and makes his way to Mathew.
MK Welcome Simon, you're from Sheffield what work do you do up there?
SA I work in the steel industry, have done for 20 years.
MK Who is this with you?
SA My uncle, he used to work in the same factory but one day an overhead gantry failed, a sheet of steel dropped and severed both his legs at the top of his thighs.
MK Oh, how dreadful. So tell us who are you going to be tonight.
SA Tonight Mathew we are going to be
.
.
.
.
..
Simon and half uncle
-
bstardchild
- Moderator
- Posts: 3057
- Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2004 9:53 pm
- Location: Norfolk - "Its just Black & Dirty"
Oneupmanship
A well heeled businessman is driving around his home town one day in his prized silver BMW and pulls up to a set of traffic lights just as they turn red. Seconds later a Mini pulls up next to him. Both he and the Mini driver exchange glances.
The businessman looks down his nose at the little red car, which doesn't go un-noticed by the Mini driver.
So as they both wait for the lights to turn green, the Beemer man presses a button and lowers his electric window, watching it as it smoothly lowers itself into the body of the door.
He is a little surprised to see the Mini driver look up at him and press a button
in his little car. His window also lowers itself electrically.
The businessman counters by pressing another button in the BMW.
The roof slowly peels back and disappears into a compartment at the back of the car.
‘Beat that’ he thinks and looks down at the little mini with a smirk.
To his annoyance, the Mini driver presses a button in his car, and his roof slowly peels back and conceals itself away in it's own little compartment just as smoothly as it did in the BMW.
The business guy can't believe it and is now well and truly pissed off.
As he glares down into the Mini, desperately thinking of something else to press, the Mini driver hits another button on his dashboard.
The passenger seat and rear seats in the wee car fold away and upside down to turn into a luxury bed, complete with duvet, pillows, headboard and even a little bedside cabinet on which rests a brightly shining reading lamp.
The lights turn green and the Mini speeds off. The Businessman sits motionless for several moments. He is gutted.
When he has re-gathered his composure, his anger kicks in and he drives straight to his BMW dealer. He relays the details and insists that he have the same things installed in his car, no matter what the cost.
Despite BMW's protestations and some $45,000 worse off, a week later he is back in his BMW, bed, and all ..... plus some.
He is determined to find the Mini owner and shove it to him. So he
spends all day driving around and around and as night falls is about to give up,
when he finally sees the little red car parked up in a lay-by. As he quietly motors nearer he can see that all the windows are steamed up.
‘Perfect’, he thinks to himself.
He drives up alongside the little car and lowers his window. He leans out and taps on the Mini's window ......... ......... and waits.
Nothing.
He taps again, a bit louder this time and hoots his horn.
Still nothing.
So he bangs on the window and leans on his horn and screams out ‘COME ON OUT, YOU LITTLE sh*t... ........ STOP YOUR SHAGGING.........I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU.’
Finally, the Mini's window lowers and out pops the drivers head, all covered in sweat.
‘WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?’ shouts the Mini driver.
‘Look at this,’ the business guy replies. He presses his shiny new button and watches with great pleasure as all the seats in the BMW fold away and turn into a luxury bed. The sheets and duvet are exposed as is the headboard, bedside table and reading lamp. In addition there is a coffee percolator, a telephone, TV, VCR and DVD player plus stereo system with a 10stack CD shuttle. All snap neatly into position. He knows that everything is just that little bit bigger and better than the one in the Mini.
‘Well what do you think of all this then?’ he asks smugly.
The Mini driver looks at him in disgust. ‘You got me out of the shower just to show me that?’
A well heeled businessman is driving around his home town one day in his prized silver BMW and pulls up to a set of traffic lights just as they turn red. Seconds later a Mini pulls up next to him. Both he and the Mini driver exchange glances.
The businessman looks down his nose at the little red car, which doesn't go un-noticed by the Mini driver.
So as they both wait for the lights to turn green, the Beemer man presses a button and lowers his electric window, watching it as it smoothly lowers itself into the body of the door.
He is a little surprised to see the Mini driver look up at him and press a button
in his little car. His window also lowers itself electrically.
The businessman counters by pressing another button in the BMW.
The roof slowly peels back and disappears into a compartment at the back of the car.
‘Beat that’ he thinks and looks down at the little mini with a smirk.
To his annoyance, the Mini driver presses a button in his car, and his roof slowly peels back and conceals itself away in it's own little compartment just as smoothly as it did in the BMW.
The business guy can't believe it and is now well and truly pissed off.
As he glares down into the Mini, desperately thinking of something else to press, the Mini driver hits another button on his dashboard.
The passenger seat and rear seats in the wee car fold away and upside down to turn into a luxury bed, complete with duvet, pillows, headboard and even a little bedside cabinet on which rests a brightly shining reading lamp.
The lights turn green and the Mini speeds off. The Businessman sits motionless for several moments. He is gutted.
When he has re-gathered his composure, his anger kicks in and he drives straight to his BMW dealer. He relays the details and insists that he have the same things installed in his car, no matter what the cost.
Despite BMW's protestations and some $45,000 worse off, a week later he is back in his BMW, bed, and all ..... plus some.
He is determined to find the Mini owner and shove it to him. So he
spends all day driving around and around and as night falls is about to give up,
when he finally sees the little red car parked up in a lay-by. As he quietly motors nearer he can see that all the windows are steamed up.
‘Perfect’, he thinks to himself.
He drives up alongside the little car and lowers his window. He leans out and taps on the Mini's window ......... ......... and waits.
Nothing.
He taps again, a bit louder this time and hoots his horn.
Still nothing.
So he bangs on the window and leans on his horn and screams out ‘COME ON OUT, YOU LITTLE sh*t... ........ STOP YOUR SHAGGING.........I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU.’
Finally, the Mini's window lowers and out pops the drivers head, all covered in sweat.
‘WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?’ shouts the Mini driver.
‘Look at this,’ the business guy replies. He presses his shiny new button and watches with great pleasure as all the seats in the BMW fold away and turn into a luxury bed. The sheets and duvet are exposed as is the headboard, bedside table and reading lamp. In addition there is a coffee percolator, a telephone, TV, VCR and DVD player plus stereo system with a 10stack CD shuttle. All snap neatly into position. He knows that everything is just that little bit bigger and better than the one in the Mini.
‘Well what do you think of all this then?’ he asks smugly.
The Mini driver looks at him in disgust. ‘You got me out of the shower just to show me that?’
-
Tahrey1043
- Bling Bling Diamond Member
- Posts: 5184
- Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2003 1:15 am
- Location: Birmingham! Enjoys: The pseudo-G-Smiles provided by a 1.6 Megane Sport valver...
- Contact:
-
bstardchild
- Moderator
- Posts: 3057
- Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2004 9:53 pm
- Location: Norfolk - "Its just Black & Dirty"
It's back 
Golfing Accident
A couple of women were playing golf one saturday afternoon. the first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the gound and proceeded to roll around in the event of agony.
The women rushed down immedietly to the man and begain to apologise.
She said "please allow me to help, im a physical therepist and I know how to relieve your pain if you allow me!!!"
"uump nooo , i'll be alright, just give me a few minutes" he replied breathlesslyas he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently laid his hands to the side, loosened his pants, and put her hands on his penis and started to massage him.
She then asked him " how does that feel".
He replied " that feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell"
Golfing Accident
A couple of women were playing golf one saturday afternoon. the first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the gound and proceeded to roll around in the event of agony.
The women rushed down immedietly to the man and begain to apologise.
She said "please allow me to help, im a physical therepist and I know how to relieve your pain if you allow me!!!"
"uump nooo , i'll be alright, just give me a few minutes" he replied breathlesslyas he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently laid his hands to the side, loosened his pants, and put her hands on his penis and started to massage him.
She then asked him " how does that feel".
He replied " that feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell"
-
bstardchild
- Moderator
- Posts: 3057
- Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2004 9:53 pm
- Location: Norfolk - "Its just Black & Dirty"
-
bstardchild
- Moderator
- Posts: 3057
- Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2004 9:53 pm
- Location: Norfolk - "Its just Black & Dirty"
Pussy v Beer - the definative answer
A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice
cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not
disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a
beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely
get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you
need.
Advantage: Pussy
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a
football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a
football game.
Advantage: Pussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a
breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a
high five.
Advantage: Pussy
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: Beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: Beer.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Pussy can make you see God.
Advantage: Pussy
If you think all day about your next beer, you are
an alcoholic.
If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you
are normal.
Advantage: Pussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.
If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual
harassment.
Advantage: Draw
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the
dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly
have you back.
Advantage: beer.
The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.
The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy:
Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
Advantage: Draw
Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.
A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice
cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not
disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a
beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely
get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you
need.
Advantage: Pussy
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a
football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a
football game.
Advantage: Pussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a
breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a
high five.
Advantage: Pussy
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: Beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: Beer.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Pussy can make you see God.
Advantage: Pussy
If you think all day about your next beer, you are
an alcoholic.
If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you
are normal.
Advantage: Pussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.
If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual
harassment.
Advantage: Draw
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the
dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly
have you back.
Advantage: beer.
The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.
The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy:
Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
Advantage: Draw
Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.
-
bstardchild
- Moderator
- Posts: 3057
- Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2004 9:53 pm
- Location: Norfolk - "Its just Black & Dirty"
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he
had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he
wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged
crawler)which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have
a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to
Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his
new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked
him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with
me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he
waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided
to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the
centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to
go to Frank's place and have a drink with
me?
Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!
A little voice came out of the box:...........
(WAIT FOR IT)...........
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fu**ing shoes on."
had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he
wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged
crawler)which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have
a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to
Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his
new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked
him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with
me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he
waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided
to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the
centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to
go to Frank's place and have a drink with
me?
Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!
A little voice came out of the box:...........
(WAIT FOR IT)...........
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fu**ing shoes on."
-
bstardchild
- Moderator
- Posts: 3057
- Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2004 9:53 pm
- Location: Norfolk - "Its just Black & Dirty"
For everyone who has to work with THE PUBLIC.......
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone
Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling in Australia?"
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in
France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel
to the other side of the car?"
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B'
fell off".
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up
the window to write the number on".
Computer Capers
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my
file back again?".
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a
long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This
is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed
from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to
say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing
the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now
I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's
because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought
it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone
Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling in Australia?"
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in
France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel
to the other side of the car?"
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B'
fell off".
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up
the window to write the number on".
Computer Capers
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my
file back again?".
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a
long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This
is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed
from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to
say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing
the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now
I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's
because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought
it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer
-
Tahrey1043
- Bling Bling Diamond Member
- Posts: 5184
- Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2003 1:15 am
- Location: Birmingham! Enjoys: The pseudo-G-Smiles provided by a 1.6 Megane Sport valver...
- Contact:
-
bstardchild
- Moderator
- Posts: 3057
- Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2004 9:53 pm
- Location: Norfolk - "Its just Black & Dirty"
Government anouncement
The Goverment announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom!! because this clearly reflects the goverments political stance....
After all,
A Condom stands up to inflation,Halts production, Destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while your being Screwed.
God dammit it doesnt get any more accurate than that does it?!!!!
After all,
A Condom stands up to inflation,Halts production, Destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while your being Screwed.
God dammit it doesnt get any more accurate than that does it?!!!!