found this website www.airspeed.co.uk with loads of jokes heres a few
> It's great to be a bloke because:
>
> Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
>
> Your orgasms are real. Always.
>
> Your last name stays put.
>
> The garage is all yours.
>
> Wedding plans take care of themselves.
>
> You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting
> laid.
>
> Car mechanics tell you the truth.
>
> You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your
> new haircut.
>
> Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
>
> Wrinkles add character.
>
> A few well placed one night stands gain credibility,
> not leave you tarnished.
>
> You don't have to leave the room to make emergency
> crotch adjustments.
>
> People never glance at your chest when you're talking
> to them.
>
> The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
> expected.
>
> New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
>
> Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
>
> Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex
> with them.
>
> Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So,
> notice anything different?"
>
> You can appreciate great sport.
>
> You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.
>
> One mood, ALL the damn time.
>
> A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
>
> You can open all your own jars.
>
> Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.
>
> You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
>
> You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
>
> You can kill your own food.
>
> You get extra credit for the slightest act of
> thoughtfulness.
>
> If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or
> she can still be your friend.
>
> If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
>
> Everything on your face stays its original colour.
>
> You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's
> seat.
>
> Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
>
> You don't have to clean your flat if the electricity
> meter reader is coming.
>
> You can sit in silence watching a football game with
> your mate for hours without ever thinking "He must be
> mad at me."
>
> You don't mooch off other's desserts.
>
> You can drop by to see a friend without having to
> bring a little gift.
>
> If another guy shows up at the party in the same
> outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
>
> You are not expected to know the names of more than
> five colours.
>
> You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn
> a nut on a bolt.
>
> You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
>
> The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
>
> You don't have to shave below your neck.
>
> Your belly usually hides your big hips.
>
> One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all
> seasons.
>
> You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.
>
> You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
> moustache.
>
> Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25
> relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
>
> Same job .... . more pay.
>
> The world is your urinal.
just looking around the net
-
madmatt
- Moderator
- Posts: 354
- Joined: Sun Nov 16, 2003 8:35 pm
- Location: a cave in mansfield, nottinghamshire
- Contact:
Scientists have decided once and for all that men should take care with their
beer consumption, considering the findings of a recent study that revealed the
presence of female hormones in beer.
The concern was that drinking beer could turn men into women. To test the findings, 100 men were each given 7 pints of
beer to drink. It was then observed that all the men in the test gained
weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
could not drive properly, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and
refused to apologise when wrong. Guys, you have been warned!
beer consumption, considering the findings of a recent study that revealed the
presence of female hormones in beer.
The concern was that drinking beer could turn men into women. To test the findings, 100 men were each given 7 pints of
beer to drink. It was then observed that all the men in the test gained
weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
could not drive properly, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and
refused to apologise when wrong. Guys, you have been warned!
-
madmatt
- Moderator
- Posts: 354
- Joined: Sun Nov 16, 2003 8:35 pm
- Location: a cave in mansfield, nottinghamshire
- Contact:
"Religious boy"
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
-
madmatt
- Moderator
- Posts: 354
- Joined: Sun Nov 16, 2003 8:35 pm
- Location: a cave in mansfield, nottinghamshire
- Contact:
The Golden Cockle Chinese takeaway in Morecambe apologises for any delays due to the chef not having washed up yet.
The man who employed the cockle workers is said to be devastated. He said," I only bought those f***ing buckets tuesday "
2 sharks were swimming along. One said to the other, I'm a bit bored of fish. Fancy going to Morecambe for a chinese.
Due to recent events the government have said that the minimum wage for cockle pickers will be raised to £6.00 per hour to help them keep their heads above water
Police have now named six of the Morecombe victims. They are: Way Ding, Sin King, Drow Ning, Leff Too Dy, Fuk Its Kold and Ty Dis Hi
Police have solved the mystery at Morecambe. The Chinese were told to stop picking cockles when the water reached knee high. Unfortunately Nee Hi was waiting in the van
The man who employed the cockle workers is said to be devastated. He said," I only bought those f***ing buckets tuesday "
2 sharks were swimming along. One said to the other, I'm a bit bored of fish. Fancy going to Morecambe for a chinese.
Due to recent events the government have said that the minimum wage for cockle pickers will be raised to £6.00 per hour to help them keep their heads above water
Police have now named six of the Morecombe victims. They are: Way Ding, Sin King, Drow Ning, Leff Too Dy, Fuk Its Kold and Ty Dis Hi
Police have solved the mystery at Morecambe. The Chinese were told to stop picking cockles when the water reached knee high. Unfortunately Nee Hi was waiting in the van
-
Tahrey1043
- Bling Bling Diamond Member
- Posts: 5184
- Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2003 1:15 am
- Location: Birmingham! Enjoys: The pseudo-G-Smiles provided by a 1.6 Megane Sport valver...
- Contact:
-
Tahrey1043
- Bling Bling Diamond Member
- Posts: 5184
- Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2003 1:15 am
- Location: Birmingham! Enjoys: The pseudo-G-Smiles provided by a 1.6 Megane Sport valver...
- Contact:
Re: just looking around the net
> The garage is all yours.
til you get told to move all the tyres and tools out because there's a bathroom suite going to be lodging...
> You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting
> laid.
nope. never.
>
> Car mechanics tell you the truth.
oh aye?
> New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
(do play havoc with your soles for the first fortnight if you buy them £12 jobs from Asda though)
>
> Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex
> with them.
Neither does only having met them 15 minutes earlier, not being able to accurately remember their name, or yet having left the bar where you became acquainted.
>
> A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
Much to the astonishment of several female friends and family members!
>
> If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or
> she can still be your friend.
Or even if neither of you have phoned the other for a good 6 months or more.
>
> You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's
> seat.
Unless a crazy female is at the helm!
>
> Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Yep
Work, Trainers, and heavy duty boots.
>
> You don't mooch off other's desserts.
Speak for yourself!
> The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
(eyes upwards)
hehehe......
til you get told to move all the tyres and tools out because there's a bathroom suite going to be lodging...
> You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting
> laid.
nope. never.
>
> Car mechanics tell you the truth.
oh aye?
> New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
(do play havoc with your soles for the first fortnight if you buy them £12 jobs from Asda though)
>
> Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex
> with them.
Neither does only having met them 15 minutes earlier, not being able to accurately remember their name, or yet having left the bar where you became acquainted.
>
> A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
Much to the astonishment of several female friends and family members!
>
> If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or
> she can still be your friend.
Or even if neither of you have phoned the other for a good 6 months or more.
>
> You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's
> seat.
Unless a crazy female is at the helm!
>
> Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Yep
Work, Trainers, and heavy duty boots.
>
> You don't mooch off other's desserts.
Speak for yourself!
> The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
(eyes upwards)
hehehe......